These days, while I'm in retreat in my small hut, I totally immersed
myself in practices that will lead to the liberation from the cycle
of reincarnation. My days are passed plainly, yet these are days
that are constantly "revolving" with the interaction of
right contemplation and wisdom. These are days of "daily living",
"Zen thoughts" and "diligence". I distinctly
know this in my heart, and I am very clear about it.
Occasionally, as I look back at my past 20 years in Seattle, I
can't help but feel astonished. This is because over the span of
these two decades, I flew into a rage three times, and these flare-ups
were conspicuous ones as well. The troubled mind manifested its
strength - it defeated my long-controlled heart through deceit and
stealth. This indicated that my heart had caught fire - even I was
manipulated by the troubled mind.
The first outburst occurred when I rebuked a reverend. This reverend
was always keeping an eye on my every move, with the intention of
finding fault in me! For instance, he would check whether my robe
was worn unevenly, or was missing a button. He would observe whether
I walked with heavy steps, shaved my beard, or snored while sleeping
… and so on. From morning until night, I was constantly under
his surveillance and nitpicking. Eventually, I couldn't help myself
and I shouted at him, "Are you really my disciple or my Grand
Master?"
In the second outburst, I yelled at several female disciples who
were making a racket quarrelling with one another. Their bickering
was incessant, their movements were crude, and their speech was
deceitful. They were turning that holy place into a noisy marketplace.
I shouted, "Get out of here! Nobody is allowed back in!"
I was so furious that I trembled.
In the third incident, I pointed my finger at the nose of a fellow
who had strayed from the path and rebelled against Buddhist teachings.
I shouted in an unceremonious, agitated and challenging tone, "What
do you know?"
Now, as I dwell in solitude, I am dumbfounded by these three outbursts.
Flying into a fury had been unwise. Even though the other party
might have really made some mistakes, I, as Grand Master, should
have gently reasoned with them. That way, I wouldn't have been devastated
by that fire in my heart, nor would I have spoiled my image.
